This Game

that to me was like a game. i seemed to be like the gamemaster. i started the game off badly. Eventually it turned out nice and sturdy. But now, the game's almost going to be over, or rather it has already been.

Time and again, i told myself not to give up on it as a gamemaster. but eventually now it's all gone - just like how all the blocks stacked up came tumbling down. The blocks covered me - entirely. I had no choice but to withdraw from the game.

I fail as a gamemaster. I really did. One of the reasons why i did is because i did not know the rules of the game well. The rules were simple but i chose to make them complicated. Why - can anyone tell me?

There's always this saying - "When you fall down, stand up on your feet again and continue walking". To me, in this situation, i fell but i guess my injuries are really damn bad. It'll definitely take a long time to continue walking normally again.

And tell me why dear Lord, why have i been hearing the "i'm not worthy"s and "don't waste your time"s all in a row? Did i really hear them or am i dreaming? If i heard them, then they must be so true and clear. If i was dreaming, then why the nightmares? And so, what does the word worthy means? One of the meanings as explained from the dictionary means - admirable. And if the subject is not of admiration to me, then why did i keep serving without complaints? I honestly admit that all were done without complaints but rather from the heart.

Strangely, to care simply means to be concerned to the degree of. And reciprocate means to feel in return. I did not expect any form of the latter when i cared. Though the statements of confessions were of highest value personally, i still stood by the subject by faith, and still not expecting anything else in return.

And by faith i believed so strongly things would be sorted out in time to come. I thought things would turn out good. But never did i expect that things would turn out this way. Still, the memories of 11pm at the exterior location on 4th august 2006 will be glued to my soul. Lord, i was lost, totally totally lost for words and any further explanations. I would say appetite's gone for as long as a month to come. It was like that big big bomb falling on Hiroshima. Even local drinks would not be able to wash away the stains of my soul. And when i thought a can of beer would be able to cleanse the stains, the bloody shop restricted the sale after 12 midnite. I know Lord, You saw my heart and the restriction was planned. I am so thankful to You but You know what? I don't know what do i do next. The answers were never there, never.

My Lord my Lord, where do i go from here? What do i do now? To let go is easier said than done. The pain of this game's failure meant so much to me. It meant so negatively significant. Would this ever be a turning point? I think it'll never be. & Right now, i confess i am a villian/ crook/ hyprocrite/ faker/ loser. i know my weaknesses. But i am willing to change for Your sake? I know You are merciful and you would give me that chance to do so. But i am unsure about the subject.

This game is just like a block of ice - so strong and sturdy. But as time passes, the ice eventually melts and turns to water, where it will gradually evaporate and turn to the vapour of the skies and principalities.

I know it's too late now but i know the short period of memories will still remain, deep into the core of my heart and soul.

Thank You.

Semester's ending real soon, but there's one more left.